by Chris James
Since the Brexit fiasco, many people---from Prince Charles to the
Berkeley City Council---are asking "what now?" Nobody seems to have
the answer. Especially, as it slowly dawns on those who voted to leave the EU
that they were sold a bill of goods---a la Obamacare, California High Speed
Rail, the All-new Well-managed PG&E, etc. Luckily, my modest proposal is
intended to fill this Anglo-Vacuo in a timely and lubricious manner.
When NAFTA was formed back in 1994, several well-respected
commentators commented on the fact that, to them, it made more sense for the
U.K. to join NAFTA because of its (pre-Obama) closer ties---economic, social,
cultural---with the U.S. and Canada. Certainly closer than they had ever been
with Europe, as a result of Britain spending the best part of the last 2500
years fighting one continental miscreant after another. My proposal modestly
kicks this original idea of transatlantic bonding up a notch. Thus: Queen Elizabeth II and the British parliament should petition the
U.S. government to join the Union as its 51st state.
Upon admission, the Queen and her extended brood will be retired.
She will be given the honorary title of State President Emeritus. Her role will
be to represent the new state at high level social functions---shaking hands,
kissing babies, making toasts, all that sort of thing. Buckingham Palace will
be donated to Brexitania (the new state's name) and will house the new state
governor and lieutenant governor and provide offices for the numerous new state
government operatives. The S.P.E. and family will live on her Sandringham
estate. Parliament will be dissolved and elections held to put a State Assembly
into the old House of Commons. State Senators will meet in the old House of
Lords. As for the aristocracy, titles will be abolished unless incorporated
into their family names, as in Earl "Fatha" Hines, Duke Ellington,
Count Basie, etc.
At the Federal level, Brexitania will be represented by two Senators
and a number of Congressmen determined by the population size. This computes
out to be 73, almost 50% more than the most numerous Representatives from an
existing state (California). This will certainly be cause for serious
government concern, but it can be resolved by requesting that the newly elected
Brexitanians bring their own lawn chairs with them to the House.
Only England will be applying for statehood asylum. Both Wales and
Scotland will devolve and stay in the European Union. Northern Ireland will be
absorbed into the Republic of Ireland which will, in turn, remain in the
European Union. To ensure purity of separation, it will be necessary to build
walls between Brexitania and both Wales and Scotland. Welsh and Scottish
officials have already shown interest in paying for the construction of these
walls as they feel that they have more to gain from them than the Brexitanians
do.
Incidentally, the wall concept is no idle regurgitation of
Trumpist philosophy. It is based on solid historical precedent. In 122 AD, the
Roman Emperor Hadrian built a stone wall across the most northern part of what
is now northern England in order to keep out the Scots barbarians. In the 8th
century, Offa---king of what is now the English Midlands---built a massive
earthen wall and ditch (Offa's Dyke) on the western edge of his realm to keep
out the marauding Welsh.
Clearly, the British flag---the Union Jack---will have to go. To
be replaced solely by the Union Jack's red vertical cross of St. George on a
white background. In addition, a small, white, five-pointed star will be
imposed at the intersection of the vertical and horizontal bars that make up
the cross. This is to signify that Brexitania is a true state within the United
States but, unfortunately, there is simply not enough room on the Stars and
Stripes for another star.
As far as Brexitania's population is concerned, those who were not
born of English parents will be politely asked to leave. Since this will reduce
the size of Brexitania's population by roughly 50%, then the corresponding
number of new Congressmen will be reduced to a more easily dealt with 37,
thereby significantly reducing the cost and inconvenience of accommodating the
original large number of lawn chairs.
As for the Brexitanian military, all branches will be placed under
U.S. command. Welsh, Scottish and Irish regiments---for example, the famous
Guards regiments---will return to their native countries. The remaining
Coldstream and Grenadier Guards will be combined and will be known as State
Guards. They will be trotted out for occasions of state pageantry, but they
will no longer be wearing those silly, eponymous, big black bearskin hats
(called busbies)---much to the relief of the planet's black bear population.
While the practical physics of creating this earth-shattering
merger will be truly mesmerizing, it is important to keep the long-term goals
in perspective. Thus:
1) It puts the U.S. on Europe's doorstep, providing a golden
opportunity to improve political, social and economic relationships.
2) It is also close enough for the U.S. to get a ringside seat at
any hanky-panky that the Europeans may get up to.
3) It would put the new U.S. border right under Russia's nose,
forcing Putin et al. to reconsider their hegemonic expansion plans due to the
world power now literally breathing down their necks on both the western and
eastern fringes of their land. As a U.S. strategy, this depends on the future
not giving birth to any more wussy, Obama-like "leaders."
4) The U.S. sports world will be given a well-deserved diversity
lift from the addition of the many new football, basketball, hockey, baseball,
athletic---and, not to say, soccer and cricket---teams brought in by the 51st
state.
5) I think it was George Bernard Shaw who once said: "Britain
and America---two countries separated only by a common language." Not any
more.
